Friday, October 26, 2018

South Park S01E01 "Cartman Gets an Anal Probe" as Told in Haikus


Season One begins,
Cartman Gets an Anal Probe
Trey Parker, Matt Stone

Standing at bus stop,
Ike followed, what a dildo,
Look, kick the baby!

Cartman very tired,
Bogus nightmares all night long,
Didn’t sleep at all

Lying in his bed,
Bright blue light illuminates,
Door slowly opens

Pulled through the hallway,
Lying on table, aliens!
Operation, just a dream

No dude, Visitors!
Take people, mutilate cows
Cartman claims not real

Chef drives up, pimp car
What’s for lunch? Salisbury Steak
Visitors are real

Chef asks, anal probe?
Cartman says no, just a dream
Sorry about your ass

Crabtree is a bitch,
Ike still there, Visitors grab
Crabtree won’t stop bus

Farmer’s cows are dead,
“Cows turn themselves inside out,
All the time” –Barbrady

Mr. Hat teaching,
Columbus, Douglas, Hebrews
Napoleon too

Scared will be trouble,
“Where has that finger been Kyle?”
I need to find Ike!

Mr. Hat says no,
Have to stay in class Kyle
Cartman farts fire

Cows waiting for train,
You cows can’t get on this train,
This is people train

Cartman farts some more,
Still says Visitors not real,
Flames come out his ass

Stan is enamored,
He likes Wendy Testaburger,
Throws up when she talks

Letter delivered,
Meet at Stark’s Pond after school,
To Stan from Wendy

Chef sings little song,
Gonna make love to woman,
Do you feel better?

Cartman farts some more,
Anal probe device comes out,
Chef pulls the alarm

Got out of school day,
Cartman can’t stop the fire,
Alien control

He loves to sing-a,
‘Bout the moon-a and the June-a
What the hell was that?

Give me back brother!
Alien ship shoots Kenny,
Oh my god, bastards!

Kenny’s ok though,
Cow’s stampede, crushing Kenny
Oh wait, he’s still fine
Siren, lights flashing
Cop car drives over Kenny,
Now he’s dead, bastard!

Cartman says not dead,
Stan stick pokes, Kyle pulls head,
Screw you guys, going home

Stan leaves for Wendy,
Can’t help Kyle, needs lovin’,
While the getting’s hot

There’s Powdered Donut,
Pancake Surprise for Cartman,
Eensie weensie bite?

No Mem, don’t want it,
Chocolate Chicken Pot Pie?
Well that does sound good

At Starks Pond Stan pukes,
Kyle says get to business,
Make love by fire

News report, crop circles,
No Kitty! Is my pot pie!
Kitty is dildo

Wendy has a plan,
Use fat kid, alien bait
Good plan, Stan throws up

Friends at Cartman’s house,
Need time with little friends,

Go play at bus stop

Cartman tied to tree,
I don’t think I have to fart,
Fart some more Cartman!

Farts satellite dish,
Now do you believe, Cartman?
Can’t trick me, was dream

Ass dish beams to space,
Almost time Sanford and Sons,
Aliens appear

Kyle passionate,
Little brother is special,
Aliens ignore

What is wrong with you?
Ignore a crying child?!
Ike jump down from there!

Aliens to cows:
You are most wise on planet,
Here is a present

Aliens depart,
Cartman sucked up into ship,
No one notices

Stan talks to Wendy,
This time he doesn’t throw up,
Wendy goes to kiss

Stan throws up this time,
Hey look a French fry! There's more
Episode closes


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